Feedback on the above article:
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Southern PW (Guest) (01/30/2011 16:25)
I was thinking the same thing, ladies.
I don't say this in bitterness, just tiredness. Exhaustion from trying to please a man who is impossible to please.
When anything goes wrong in our home, the ministry or our church he blames me - and if he doesn't blame me he blames someone else, but it's never him.
I started out just as the first paragraph describes in the above article but after over a quarter century of ministry together (and serving now still as the SPW of a mid-size church) I am exhausted and hurting.
I have been belittled and controlled for a long time by the man I trusted and married and see a side of him at home that would shock our church members to the core were they to know. (I obviously never share it with anyone and live in private pain.) I have tried and am still trying to respect him. It gets harder everyday with what I not only know of him at home but with a few things behind the scenes at church that I am aware of, that no one else but God is. I live with the pain of this everyday, trying to respect him is the hardest thing I've ever attempted in my life. We have several children. People talk about how hard it is to be a mother. Honestly, being a mother has been a piece of cake compared to being married to my husband.
I once heard a speaker at a women's conference say, "Don't criticize your husband. You chose him and married him. What does that say about you?" I don't criticize my husband to others (my posting here anonymously is the first time I've ever done so in any forum)but what my choice says about me, in my opinion is that we met/married in bible college, were very young and inexperienced, needed a lot more guidance and didn't seek it, and now I am paying a price for that. Every day I live with the consequences of my choice.
I agree so much with the first commenter that pastors must be equally supportive of the good women who co-labor beside them. And the second who said that we already know what the expectations are -- all too well, and we are overwhelmed.
I don't know if I would be married to me. If I had it to do all over again I'd probably not be married at all, with the exception of the fact that then my precious children wouldn't exist. They are grown and love and serve God so at least something good has come of this debacle.
Excuse me while I go back to my "ditch" (as the above commenter said) and spend my usual time with the Lord, asking Him to grace me with His presence to help me through one more day of this.
Gee (Guest) (02/08/2011 05:41)
Wow, am s humbled by my sister's response and her courage to say it like it is. I have been in ministry with my husband 24 years with 17 of those years in a pastorate. I sure can say serving in ministry has to be done by both pastor and wife understanding that they are complimentary to each other and not competitors. Over the years I have observed that I have to unless I make an effort to commit to my vows and remind myself of God's approval on my life, It is very easy to drift and wish for the unthinkable! As wives many times we have suffered in silence but I thank God for this forum because we can be ourselves and pour out to another wife who understands exactly what we are going through and yes we are still christian.
A man that will not value and appropriate the wive's input in my view is insecure and needs to be reached out to.
Private pain?! it is so real. My husband talks about me so much to the church and how grateful he is for me and yes the flip side is true, what the church doesnt know is the feeling is not exactly mutual. I feel unfulfilled, my ministry not recognised and many at times my ideas are passed on as his ideas and no credit given to me. Talking about them is so difficult as it becomes a case of me not understanding or appreciating him making me feel that I am off the mark!
I encourage us as wives not to give up or think unthinkable thoughts but we need to trust God while we seek help for ourselves. Thank you for this forum....just writing a few lines is therapeutic for me. I am praying for you.
Just Another One of The Many (Guest) (06/09/2011 21:46)
Ok, to be honest, I really did not appreciate the article. I understand where it is coming from, but that is part of the everyday battle - all the expectations. I think that is why so many of us beat ourselves up... People are quick to say what we should or should not be doing, we want to do more than we can, or we are just plain burnt out.
This is the first thing I have read on this website - Im brand-new here. I hope this can be a place of more compassion & understanding & honesty! Surely no PW out there is doing it "perfectly." If so, help me out.
I am SO glad to see these honest comments though. Wow. And I thought I was alone. The feelings break my heart, but it is good to know that I am not the only one suffering from something so unthinkable.
BC (Guest) (07/08/2011 13:09)
I grew up being a PK and that is not the easiest life and know I am a PW with three children and it is hard, but something that helps me when I am in my "ditch" is rememberiing that God see's me. God knows all about the sacrifices i make, he knows all about the needs I have and he cares about me. So even when my husband doesn't see what I am doing or the church members can't even remember my name and everything is going wrong because I forgot something. The one who holds the whole world in His hands knows my name and sees me and loves me for me. So when no one else cares he wipes the tears from my eyes and pulls me up out of the ditch and gives me the strength to go on. He also helps my love to be renewed when I dont feel like I can love the man I stand beside any more. So know that God see's you and He is the one that will reward you for your faithfulness, trust him to open the eyes of your husband and those you minister to and he will cause them to honor you and all that you do.
Another PW (Guest) (08/19/2011 11:08)
Thank you PW for your comment....really God does know our hearts, sees where I am and does love my love when I don't think I can.. I'm thankful for our church, but find myself at times resenting being in the ministry...and feel so condemned by that statement...after all, the Lord saved me...ME, for such a time as this, how could I have such thoughts. It saddens my heart to know those feelings of disgust and just plain ole spiritual exhaustion is there...I keep smiling, praying, singing...and being a mom and grandmother....shhh don't tell anyone that I really wanna run and hide....but God won't let the anchor drop....
A touched P W (Guest) (10/04/2011 11:38)
infact i thank God that i came across this site.I have been encouraged to know that i am not alone in my experience as a pastor's wife, sometimes i feel like leaving the work of God for him to do alone because he sees me as a competitor, a stranger who wants to usurp authority, boldly announcing that women have no ministry.I heard from his friend that he is afraid of the gifts in me that i can change things for him. Many times i sorrow in my heart and cry until God encouraged me to look up to him, have days to seek his face and i feel strong now to continue the journey.
In the same boat PW (Guest) (01/20/2012 13:30)
I am glad to see that there is a sight for PW's. I often ask myself the question who do we turn to when we need help. We take on so much from the members of the church and our spouses. But who do we go to when our problem or our issue is with the husband, who is also the pastor and every time you try to talk it brings about an argument. What happens when we pray and we don't feel like our prayers are being answered, because the more we pray the worse things seem. I am very supportive of my husband and I used to feel like the article said but as time has gone on, there are times I don't even feel like walking in the church. But I know it's only God who sustains me to keep going on. Otherwise I would be in some mental institution. Glad to know that I can come to this site and not have to reveal who I am or who my husband is. Thanks to the creator.
amateur (Guest) (03/12/2012 23:22)
i am glad that i have found this website. My husband will soon be pastoring our church and i will be very new to what is expected of a PW. Infact I am so scared to the core that just thinking of the responsibilities that a PW might be taking up often leave me completely exhausted. Could someone help me with the Terms of Reference of a PW?
(Guest) (04/26/2012 11:09) Pastor is a calling, not his name. Wife is who you are to him and no one else. Any past or present fiery darts flying around in your marriage, family, or individual life...before he works in his pastor call...they will still be there once you and others began to call him pastor. DON'T MIX THE TWO. Meaning don't get yourself in a upset mess because "it's" happening again!!!! The best thing you can do is guard your home. Do this by being honest with your husband at all times. I believe we as wives who are married to a Pastor, allow ungodly methods to occur "behind" the scenes because we think that God has given the "okay" because "he's called". But woe to any born-again child of the Most High God, who allows a fellow believer to error because of a certain calling they have! Remember that you are a member too, therefore, you should operate according to rules of the Holy Spirit and not man...ANY man.
PW by the grace of God (Guest) (10/17/2012 18:31)
Well, Well, I never thought I would read my own story from another. I have had some of these experiences. Sometimes it gets really hard and I must force my self to stay on track and my the grace of God we can all do just that. I love my pastor and I know he loves me but sometimes we forget who the real enemy is...Sisters be strong God is on our side.
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