Etiquette—A Value of Kindness
By Devi Titus and Marilyn Weiher
Be wise in the way you act towards outsiders;
make the most of every opportunity.
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt,
so that you may know how to answer everyone.
Colossians 4:5-6
Kindness Rules
The foundation of all etiquette is kindness—people before policy. Kindness expresses itself with consideration for the people around you.  Knowing proper etiquette makes you feel comfortable so that you can reach out to others and make them feel important. If you are concerned about making a mistake or appearing to be foolish, then your thoughts are consumed with yourself. However, when you know how to properly conduct yourself in the presence of others, then you are free to focus on them.
This etiquette section will focus only on proper conduct in the setting of the home, having a meal with family or friends. This is the place where we have the opportunity to make everyone feel special.
Kindness Supercedes Protocol
…walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called,
with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love.
Ephesians 4:1-2 NASB
Remember, people are more important than precedence. When we see that conformity to etiquette’s code of conduct will embarrass someone, we need to adjust. We may, for example, host dinner guests who are not aware that it is our custom to thank the Lord for His provision before we begin to eat. When they begin to eat without praying, we can choose kindness over tradition. Rather than humiliating them by saying, “We always pray before we eat,” we simply join them, finding another time to pray together.
Preparing to Lavishly Love
The host and hostess has a very solemn responsibility to practice the rules of etiquette. In doing so, they prepare an environment of prepared peace so love can abound to their guests. In the dominion of their own home they have the awesome privilege and Biblical mandate to represent Jesus Christ to those who walk through their doors. Who knows, they may even entertain angels unknowingly. (See Hebrews 13:2)
Practice hospitality to one another . . .with brotherly affection for . . .
all others who come your way who are of Christ’s body.
And [in each instance] do it ungrudgingly (cordially and graciously,
without complaining but as representing Him).
I Peter 4:9 AB
Think through the Details
Opening your home to guests carries with it a wonderful weight of responsibility. As host and hostess you will want to be diligent in your preparation, thinking through every detail of the visit in advance. If you are serving a sit-down dinner your readiness should be so thorough that both the host and the hostess are able to remain at the table during most of the meal. Always keep in mind that your visitors are there to see you. Your most important objective during their visit is not giving them a great meal, but lavishing them with love.
Let each of you esteem and look upon
and be concerned for not [merely] his own
interests, but also each for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:4 AB
Simply Prepare
Simply preparing things at the proper time, such as making the coffee or tea in advance and presetting dessert silverware, can free both the host and the hostess to be more attentive to their guests. Ask the Lord to teach you other ways that you can honor your guests. One of the things that I do is not found in any book of etiquette as far as I am aware. If we are seated at the table but I am only serving dessert—pie , cake, or something similar, I set the dessert and the dessert plates (stacked) next to my place on the table before my visitors arrive. Then, when it is time to serve the dessert, I don’t have to leave the table. I can continue giving my attention to my company even as I am serving them from my place at the end of the table.
Setting Your Table
The simplest part of your advance preparation is to provide your guests with the tools they will need to comfortably dine with you. Table utensils should be placed at predictable locations in such a way that they can be used one at a time.
• Forks should be placed on the left side of the dinner plate—tall fork near the plate and the smaller fork on the outside—while the knife and spoons are to the right—the knife is near the plate with the blade facing the plate and the spoon is on the outside.
• The salad plate is placed to the left of, or in the center of the dinner plate.
• The bread and butter plate is above the tips of the forks.
• The glass is above the tip of the knife.
• Dessert utensils can be served with the final course or placed horizontal at the top of the dinner plate. The dessert spoon handle faces the right and the fork handle faces the left.
• The napkin is placed to the left of the forks. Creative variations are allowed, provided that the napkin is never placed to the right of the dinner plate, in the goblet or in the cup.
Proper Table Conduct for the Host and Hostess
Seating Your Guests
• Seat your guests, alternating men and women. Since most couples are more comfortable sitting together, seat each lady to the right of her partner.
• Place cards make it easy for guests to find their seats, however, the hostess or host should be standing as they show guests to their assigned seat at the table.
• The host and hostess should sit at opposite ends of the table, never side by side.
• The hostess should be the last person to be seated.
Serving the Meal
• When the hostess is seated, the host should offer prayer. At the conclusion of the prayer, the hostess should give instructions to proceed, placing her napkin on her lap.
• If she finds that she needs to leave the table, she should tell her guests to begin. For example she may say, “Please begin while I bring the hot rolls.”
• When serving family-style, the host or hostess begins passing the food dishes first. They are passed to the right—counterclock wise.
• The host should assist with the refilling of the water glasses, giving the hostess time to take a few bites.
• The host and hostess should so coordinate their individual responsibilities during the meal that they can avoid leaving the table at the same time.
Serving the Dessert
• Remove all soiled dishes and food items before serving dessert.
• When removing plates, remove only two at a time and do not stack the plates at the table. Carry them to the kitchen and return to remove two more plates until the table is cleared.
• Serve the hot beverage, coffee, or tea, before serving the dessert. Guests can sip on the beverage while you are preparing the dessert.
• Remove soiled dished from the guests’ right side and serve the dessert or dinner plate from their left.
After Dinner
• If the dinner is formal the host or hostess should invite their company to join them in the living room or family room, leaving the dessert utensils on the table to be cleared at a later time.
• The host should encourage the visitors to take their drinks with them, offering to refill their glasses.
• If the dinner is informal and the company desires to linger at the table for conversation or to play a game, then the table needs to be cleared of dessert utensils.
Proper Table Conduct for the Guest
There are rules for every stage of a guest’s dinner experience. You can learn the proper way to conduct yourself from the time you are seated until the time that you leave the table.
Before you Arrive
Ten minutes early and 10 minutes late is on time for dinner guests. If you arrive any earlier, drive around the block and if later, call the hostess. Also bring something thoughtful to the hostess. This immediately expresses your gratitude for being invited.
Wait on Hostess
• Wait for the host or hostess to assign your place to be seated. Remain standing at your assigned chair until your hostess is seated. Then seat yourself, unless otherwise instructed.
• After being seated at the table, wait for the hostess and follow her leads.
• When the hostess puts her napkin on her lap, you follow. If she doesn’t put her napkin on her lap, but begins serving, then quietly place your napkin and continue without making it an issue.
• Never rearrange the table setting—even if it is set incorrectly. Remember that kindness does not embarrass the hostess who did not properly set her table. Instead, we choose to bend the rule and feel comfortable doing so.
Passing the Food
• When dinner is being served continental style (the plate served in the kitchen and brought to the table), someone will set your plate in front of you, serving from the left. After eating, it will be removed from the right.
• If the food is served family style, you pass it to your right. However, do not lift a food dish to begin serving until the host or hostess begins passing the food or instructs you.
• When serving family-style, hold the dish for the person on your right while they serve their plate. They should then hold it for the next person and so on until it returns to you.
• To prevent accidents, avoid placing dishes on the edge of the table as much as possible.
• When butter is passed, cut a piece of it using the butter knife. If one is not set, use your clean dinner knife. Put the butter on the edge of your bread plate (if none is set, use dinner plate). Never serve the butter directly to your bread.
• Salt and pepper should be passed together at all times—even if someone says, “Please pass the salt.” Always pick them up and pass them as a pair. The same is true with cream and sugar.
• When using sugar from a sugar bowl, do not use the sugar spoon to stir your beverage. Only spoon the sugar with the sugar spoon into your beverage and stir with another spoon, straw or utensil.
While Eating
• If a water or beverage glass is garnished with lemon or other decorative fruit, place the garnish in the glass before drinking. The garnish is for enhancing the flavor of the beverage, not for poking you in the eye or swiping your nose.
• When eating bread, break off a bite at a time, butter it, and eat it. Never butter the entire slice at once. This rule also applies to eating rolls and using jam or other spreads.
• Always use your knife to cut. Do not attempt to cut food with the side of your fork.
• Never place a soiled piece of silverware back on the table. Rest it on your plate. If the plate has been removed, rest the soiled silverware on an unsoiled piece of silverware.
• Eat with your mouth closed and do not talk with your mouth full.
• If you bite into a foreign object, simply remove it with your fingers and place it on your plate without saying a word. Do not spit it onto your fork or into your spoon.
• If you are served something that you do not eat, leave it on your plate and eat around it.
• Under no circumstance should you ask for an item that is not served to the table. If the hostess discovers that she has forgotten something, she will let you know.
• If you must leave the table for an important reason, ask to be excused. Return as quickly as possible. Your napkin is placed in your chair, not on the table.
• A centerpiece should not obstruct the view across the table. If it does, do not move it. Converse with the people who are beside you.
After Eating
• When you have finished eating, place your soiled silverware in your plate. Even if some food remains on your plate, lay the utensils together and at an angle in your plate. The handles of the silverware should not hang over the edge of the plate.
• Thank your hostess for a wonderful time at her table. Compliment her for one item that she served. You might say, “Everything was delicious. I especially loved your pie.”
• Do not over stay and graciously excuse yourself when time to leave. Thank your host and hostess verbally and follow-up with a written thank you.
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